October 19 – I looked in the mirror. I saw my tired swollen face looking back at me. Suddenly, it wasn’t my own face anymore, but instead it had morphed into my mom’s face. What was going on? Was I just imagining things? It felt so real though. I ignored it and left the bathroom.
A few hours later, I locked myself in the bathroom and couldn’t believe my eyes. I started recording a video on my phone of what I was seeing because there’s no way anyone would believe me unless they saw it. My mom knocked on the door: “Are you okay in there?” She asked me in Punjabi. “Yeah, I’m coming.” I responded in English.
The hallucinations were getting stronger and felt more real as the day went on. Not only was I seeing things, but I was also hearing things and feeling sensations – I remember occasionally feeling a sense of being wet – was it blood? Was it breast milk? Sweat? There were so many liquids in postpartum.
It had been days since I had slept – since before my labour had began I think. But how could I sleep – what would happen to my daughter? Who would make sure she was being taken care of properly and that she was ok? Not to mention I had to breastfeed her every couple of hours, and I wasn’t some kind of robot with an on and off switch who could sleep on demand.
Later that day, after a series of events that I won’t relive here, I found myself sitting in an ambulance – watching the images go across the windows and listening to the birds chirping far away, as several machines checked my vitals.
I had no idea that this day was just the beginning of a long journey filled with guilt, anger, sadness, confusion, and eventually, recovery.
Hi, I’m Nancy and if you’ve read this far – thank you! Given that this is our first blog, I wanted to make it a personal one so you understood a bit about the story behind Anamav and what led me here.
Being a perinatal mental health advocate, I share my story quite openly, in the hopes that anyone who has experienced a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder (whether they knew what it was called or not), knows that they are not alone. For anyone currently in this stage, I want you to know that things can get better, and that help is available. I hope that you’ll stick around as we grow on this journey of parenthood together, and I look forward to supporting many families along the way!
With love,
Nancy
Have you or someone you know experienced something similar? Leave me a comment below – I’d love to hear from you!
